Today I feel depressed. Just down and lousy. Here’s my 100% non-scientific way to describe it: Sadness, regret, etc. are all normal emotions that people feel when something happens that is sad. Depression is when those things happen seemingly without reason. The worst part is not being able to point to a triggering event. Not having a reason to feel depressed makes me feel guilty and even more depressed.
I feel a pressure to justify it and explain it, but I can’t, I just feel kind of empty right now. And then I start playing back all of the negative things going on in the hope that one of those will at least let me say “THAT’S why I’m depressed right now!” Because if you can identify the problem you can at least try to address it.
But I’ve just run through a bunch of things in my head that it could be, and it’s none of those things. So now I’m depressed and just reminded myself of a bunch of things ranging from kind of shitty to long term big picture issues (for example, I forgot I have to send a check to Capital One this week to WHAT IF I NEVER MEET “THE ONE” AND I DIE ALONE AND SAD!?).
Here’s what will happen- I’m about to take a Clonidine, put on some music and try to distract myself with some work stuff. And hopefully I’ll feel better. There are good days and bad days. I have to tell myself that this is just a bad day.
Paul's letters... 