It’s been out for about a week or so already, but if you haven’t yet read this excellent piece by Molly Pohlig I’d encourage you take the five to ten minutes it takes to read and absorb it. I found myself nodding along to a lot of what was in it. I haven’t even really been thinking too much about this subject since March, but, and it’s probably a sign that I’m feeling better, it’s been on my mind more and more recently.
Pohlig hits the nail on the head when she discusses her fears and anxieties about her “logical side” and her “mentally ill side.” Similarly, Paul has the potential to be a really great guy- I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m kind of outdoorsy, I like movies, plays, books, etc. The other guy? Not so much. Funny can turn to bitter, smart can turn to disdain for the outside world and I won’t want to leave my cave. Fortunately that’s happening less and less, but how (and when) do tell someone it’s in there somewhere? Or, something that Pohlig doesn’t really talk about, but is a concern for me, how do I bring up/deal with the not-drinking-thing?
(I may be mentally ill but I’m not delusional enough to think that dating is easy even without these concerns. (See- what’d I tell you- funny!))
I still have some things I need to sort through in my personal life before I think I start seriously looking to date- top of my list is my living situation. As I’ve written before, right now I’m living at home with the ‘rents. It makes sense for a few reasons- obviously the first priority was safety and a worry that in the first few days/weeks after my suicide attempt I might try to hurt myself again. I feel like I’ve gotten past that phase and I really don’t think about that at all these days except to reflect on it. The second reason is that I kind of wrecked my finances when I was at my nadir- so in the past few weeks I’ve been settling accounts and saving money (for example- I had to take care of my hospital bills from an emergency appendectomy last November). I know even if there are good reasons for living at home, without the independence that comes from being out from under my parents roof, I’m not 100% there yet as a catch.
On the positive side of the ledger, I’ve lost some weight and I’m in better shape than I have been in for awhile, so that certainly helps with the self confidence thing. So yeah, I’m not sure I’m ready to start dating again quite yet, but thinking about it is probably a good thing.