This might be the toughest post I’ve had to write yet. Well, I say had to… there’s no obligations that I’m subject to when it comes to this blog other than those I impose on myself. From the very beginning when I started writing it was because this is a way to share information on my struggles with depression, anxiety and alcoholism. It’s a way to let people know how I’m doing without having to have the same difficult conversation again and again and again. These aren’t easy things for me to talk about but it’s important for me to talk about them, and this is a way I’ve found works for me. So in that spirit it doesn’t sit right with me to not share this most recent challenge. Now there are things that I won’t be sharing about the particulars of this incident for a variety of reasons, but the details don’t matter as much as the fact that I had a relapse and I’m struggling with what to do next.
If you’re asking if I’m alright, well, it’s all relative, but yes, I’m doing fine now, almost 48 hours on. By that I mean I’m not trying to hurt myself anymore than I already have, that I’ve been talking with family and have been taken excellent care of by my parents and siblings, who I don’t think I can properly thank for what I’ve put them through.
Monday night I bought and drank most of a bottle of Scotch by myself and blacked out, a foolish thing to do under any circumstance but certainly for me in this case given my history with binge drinking. And the truth is, it’s not the first time I’ve relapsed with alcohol. It’s the second- there was a night this past August where I drank and then kept it from everyone, choosing not to tell anyone at the time. Until now. From March 7, 2014 until August though I had abstained from alcohol. How valuable of an accomplishment was this? I’m having a hard time finding the value of it today, but I suppose it’s something and at this point I need something to hang on to.
Because right now I feel stuck. There’s something going on and it goes beyond any particular triggering event. If you ask why did I drink I can give you a few answers. Because X thing that happened that day set me off. That I’m an alcoholic and need almost no reason to drink. That things have built up and I finally cracked. Those are all valid answers to some extent I’m sure and I’ll be spending some time thinking about them all in the coming days and weeks. But I feel like something has broken and I need to fix it.
So I’ve reached out to my therapist and will be seeing her tomorrow. My mom is flying up from Georgia later today. My parents have asked me to consider attending an AA meeting. And I’ve promised to go. That’s the “now what?” answer for today. Now I take a few small steps in the right direction. I try and take things a day at a time. I’ll do my best to not beat myself up too much, but I am really upset with myself. It’s not a great place to be right now.
I’ll probably have more to say in the next few days about next steps, but right now it’s important for me to be able to get this out. This is my confession. It’s therapeutic to be able to say these things. To share my story, even the rough parts and the parts that don’t make me look very good and may disappoint people. I’m probably the most disappointed right now. I feel like I’ve let myself down.
But like I said, for now I’m OK as far as that goes. I might not respond right away to any comments or messages, but it means a lot to know that even as I write this I know people will be thinking about and that there are people who care about me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it, but I am grateful.
Thanks for reading.